I am a control freak. I know it. I take responsibility for this personality defect. Yet, it’s not all my fault I am where I am. The fear that abuse caused, feeds my inner control freak.
When living in abuse, there is no control for the victim. That’s the point. The abuser has to have all the control. The abuser’s main focus is to keep everything so unstable that the victim can’t possibly get a foothold. Imagine living almost every moment second guessing yourself, because you want to make sure you don’t upset the apple cart, only to realize it doesn’t matter what you do, the apple cart is going down. Once the apple cart is down, the ensuing chaos is the abusers haven. In the chaos, they are able to blame, shame, and maim their victim. But, the victim is trying to regroup, gain some amount of personal control, which is always just out of reach.
The thing is, now that I am no longer living in abuse, how do I get over my control issues? I mean, who cares if the apple cart goes down? Take a breath, wait until they stop rolling around and move on through. I am no longer in a situation where lack of control is going to cause me harm. Sounds simple enough, but all these years later, I still find myself trying to keep the apples from spilling or if they do, trying to get them back in the cart.
I have had success in this area, but my inner control freak still breaks out every so often. So I need to remind myself of a few things.
- Stuff happens. It doesn’t mean it’s my fault, but if it is, I can ask forgiveness and move on, or if it isn’t, I can forgive and move on.
- I need to forgive myself more often.
- My stability isn’t based on having control of everything around me.
- I get to make choices for myself, I don’t get to or need to make choices for others.
- My actions will determine my feelings.
And finally, and most importantly, I must acknowledge every day, God is in control and allow Him to work in the circumstances of my life. He loves me so much and has never left me or forsaken me. When I am trusting Him fully, I can let go of the fear that feeds my inner control freak.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Does your inner control freak get the best of you? I would consider it a privilege to pray with you anytime. Thanks for taking the time to stop by.